seeing the world through eyes filled with pain
sometimes it feels like life is never going to give me a break but then again I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I make the choices in my life that drag me down into the muddy pit that I feel like im trying to claw at the slick walls of to climb out.

 

heart broken life

some days i feel
like the life i'm living is so unreal
unfair at times i cry many tears
smiling many times to hide my fears
reaching out trying to touch
just a piece of living a life that is easy
sometimes my face hurts from forcing my smile so much
some days i think if only my life
if only my life were easier to live
but then i would not be who I am
and live where i live
i realize that though my life seems unfair
that there is a reason im there
i pray more when i hurt
or struggle with life
and wonder if i would be as close to God
without pain in my life
i constantly thank God for the little things
and wonder if i would care
if i could buy what my heart desires
if i could have loves touch every night of my life
to be held each night by one
until we die
i have thought about how lucky
one is to see their lover pass
after a life time of loving, friendship, and laughs
lucky that they had only one
one person to light up their world
and then again my single
world comes rushing in
reminding me that though I do not have one true love
I have loved and lost
a few times it has cost
my heart a little piece
but never will i quit
searching for it

sometimes

sometimes i wonder where my life is going
i hate to look behind and see where i have been
looking forward is impossible to do with certainty
looking at my life day to day i see
that what is behind is what makes me who i am to be
looking in the mirror i see scars of my yesterdays
staring back at me
i wonder if i knew then what i know now
but then again things just worked out somehow
my future is what i look forward to
my past is lessons learned
my today is living life to the fullest
i may not be the best example
on how to live life
but in my life i have lived, loved, and sacrificed
i have smiled
i have cried
i have been broken hearted
i have yet to have died
but when my final hour comes
there is nothing i will
have wished i had done

in the spirit of reading my sister's blog I have decided to start a bucket list
1. become a published writer
2. finish college
3. .....................
well more will come right now I really have to think of stuff I hav not done that I would love to do


stay tuned for more............ :)

life in my 34 years

I have to say that in my 34 years of life I have done a lot.  So many things that I shouldn't have done, things I always wanted to do, and things I never expected to do.  I am a mother of two boys Jacob who is my artist and Chris who is my mathematician.  I found out that the other day My husband was talking to the boys about the subject of buying a car because they were interested in learning the process.  My youngest son got so frustrated with him and his math he said here let me show you and he totally blew my husbands mind.  He took my husbands scrap paper and did his re-figuring and found out that at the fake amounts they chose for their example the exact amount of months for payments and was crossing of my husbands figures like they were child's play.  My husband said he will never doubt my sons ability with math ever again.  Now this is exciting and horrible news all in one.  Exciting because I always knew the boys would have my brains and then some, and horrible because they were curious about buying a car which means soon my oldest will be old enough to drive.  Oh man another birthday means another year older my boys will be they are growing up too quick.  I like standing back and watching them until they catch me staring and then they think i am weird.  Kids let me tell you something watching you grow is like watching the dollar signs add up each year for a Picasso.  we as parents are so amazed at all the little things you would think is normal run of the mill every day living.  You find a longer hair than the others coming out of your chin and you start playing with it and I find that soooo funny not because I find you weird, but it is amazing what amuses you.  i look at you and think you really came from me, and no matter what stupid crap I have done most of my life I did not screw you up yet.  i am amazed that through all the ups and downs that has been my life you have turned out to be amazing.  WOW is the only human word I can think of to describe the feeling of how I feel when I stare crazily at you.  you see an old woman staring like a crazy loon and I feel the whole world shining at me showing me just how amazing and wonderful you are.  You make me laugh, you surprise me with your amazing minds, your character is flawless in my eyes and everything about you is simply you.  I could never have imagined the you you have become.  WOW thank you God for the boys You have blessed me with, and how even though my life has been crazy and messed up for many years at a time I have not messed up my boys.  God truly works miracles when he puts children with probably the worst example of a mother and makes them absolutely amazing in every way.

Life Happens

The three stooges!!!! (left to right- Cujo, Shorty, Princess)

It is amazing I caught them like this.  I almost think they posed for me on purpose for me to be able to catch this perfect picture of them all looking at me on my phone.  You know how long it takes for the phone to actually capture the image when you hit the button usually I get a bunch of blurred pics of them when I try to catch them.  Cujo is my little lap baby I can call home from work and he will come out from under his blanket (because he will burrow into some blankets and go to sleep) he will stretch and yawn and look at Robert talking to me and then I will say Cujo baby and he will start wagging his tail.  He knows my voice from a mile away my little precious Cujo I love him so much.  Shorty is like our little midget wrestler.  Well at least that is what he looks like when he is standing he is all buff and with little stubby legs he is soooo funny.  Princess is our licker she will lick the skin off your arm she loves loves loves to lick.  We got her from our neighbor and she remembers him because everytime he starts his motorcycle she will bark and her tail will wag.